Alien Jesus Collective

Ed, Rosaic and I like to do a sweatlodge trance channel right before the Winter Solstice to see if we need to head underground for New Year’s Destruction or continuing decking the halls and flocking the hogs. so to speak. This year was a pleasent get-together at the J&B Family Restaurant in Prescott, AZ and afterwards we drove under a UFO free desert sky to a Sacred Spot in Sedona aptly called “Blanca Dinero Hot Springs Sacred Spot”. You can’t miss it off of Highway 89-A since they bought an old Indian Casino neon billboard. You mostly can’t see Bill Cosby’s face anymore on it since they put the big kokopelli on an Aztec chocolate bar in the shape of a sundial. (Get the sweatlodge in the back for those of you who can read auras or else you’ll see nothing but red from the sign and diagnose everybody with constipation and repressed father issues.) We passed around the ancient tribal drinking cup that was two parts Fresca, one part liquid peyote, and 100 percent red man majick. After the initial “laughing” gateway experience to the other side we waited for one of us to contact the Elder Guide who would tell us of the coming year. Rosaic spoke of “riding the pink pig” through her animal totem but given her latest Oliver Platt infatuation we dismissed it. I spoke through a 14 year old indian girl coming into the full fruit of womanhood but was unable to get the full message and feel my new, young breasts at the same time. Finally after another round of dream potion Ed contacted the Elder guide and gave us our message. None of us can quite figure it out but it is our duty as journalists and pro-human advocates to pass it on to you in hopes that you can glean the meaning and enrich your lives.
We still don’t know if we are going underground or not. Maybe Vegas.

as channeled by Ed:

the city of the dead sleeps
while Art Bell Jr weeps
and Art Sr takes a leak
ask not for whom the urine flows
it flows for all of us
splashing through the sewers beneath Parumph
flowing under whorehouses where cattlemen hump
mingles with the circle K clerk’s dump
later he will stick the tanks
and vomit up the mad dog he drank
but we decide which is real booze
and which provides real absolution
-the moody booze

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I’m Buck Huff

Cassie Bernal may not have jutted her perky breasts out and proclaimed proudly “YES” to the question “Do you believe in God?” that Dylan Kebold asked her while pointing a gun in her face April 20, 1999 at Columbine High School. This would greatly reduce sales of the book “She Said Yes: the Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall, by Missy Bernal, the mother.

Three unamed students are sticking to their story that the incident happened according to Chris Zimmerman, editor of The Plough Publishing House book, but Emily Wyant, 16, who was crouched under a table less than 2 feet from Bernall, said she never heard Klebold ask Cassie if she believed in God.

As with any tragedy there is money to be made and if you can recoup the losses of dead daughter who will be able to pay off the BMW in death why not? String together enough “evidence” of a high cabal reason for why those two kids went off the deep end and you have a shot on Hard Copy and Maury Povich for anniversary shows well into the next decade. You can use the “Hitler’s Birthday” as a sign they were Nazi’s, even though both Klebold and Harris were Jewish, and that they killed 13 people was a sure sign of satan, you have a far more entertaining read than two loner idiots got tired of snobs and life and the sinking suspicion that Rammstein was gayer than Rob Halford in a tutu.

Did Cassie and Klebold have this deadly exchange of ideology? I wasn’t there and that’s the only way I’m ever convinced of anything being true. If I had been there in the mythical circumstances I tell you what ol’ Buck would do. Some punk points his gun in my face and asks if I believe in God I’m going to say “nah, I’m a nihilist paratheologist into the existential Alexandrian methods of playing “Quake’”. When the little bastard is appeased that I’m one of them, I pull out my boot knife and let him find out about god by himself, then use what I can of his tiny virgin body as a shield for the other kid with a gun who I beat to death with his friend. And then I’m alive and kicking for another day of doing the lords work, not having my mommy write a snivelling fool book about how I wanted a leather jacket and that was my path to heroin and Baphomet before I found God and stared down the barrel of a gun til my eyes were in the back of a library without my head.

What did Cassie say?
Like my friend, Solo, told me today, “Cassie said ‘I’ll suck your dick if you kill my mother instead’”.

While watching “Space Ghost” the other night there was what I first thought was a goof commercial for a Barbie Doll. The overblown hair and Dachau waistline are d’rigeur and hardly worth being shocked over. It was Barbie’s eyes that caught my attention. Big globes of cock-eyed, unfocused, narcotized confusion set in a face that said “I don’t know and I don’t care.” “Glazed Over Barbie”, “Way Out of It Barbie”, “Being treated for Depression Barbie” would have been appropriate names for this piece of plastic with boobs and I waited for the punchline. There was none, this was a real commercial selling toys to our young daughters. (and perhaps boys but I don’t want to think about that now) The commercial ended and so did my interest. Until I saw an article the very next morning in the London Times about our water supply being possibly at risk from the thousands of pounds of drugs being excreted by the world wide bladders of humanity everyday. Prescription narcotics for anxiety, heart disease, high blood pressure, and particularly depression were high on the list of drugs that can go practically unaltered through the human body and into rivers, streams, and oceans. The serotonin raising drugs in particular, already blamed for killing off jillions of aquatic microbial life, are of grave concerns for many scientists who are not on a Chemical company payroll and can still be objective and probing in their work. Of course, these scientists don’t have the huge amount of dollars to do any kind of reasonable research, so they don’t really have anything substantial to say. “Just about everything people put into their mouth eventually gets into the water,” quipped Dr Christian Daughton, chief of environmental chemistry for the US Environmental Protection Agency. He learned that through science college. I learned that through outside plumbing in Colorado my first 11 years of life.

Now you are saying “Buck, get back to the Barbie doll boobies”. I’ll get back to her doper face…. In light of everybody soon to be on the serotonin highway to happiness via your tap water (and don’t think that bottled water is going to save you. Have you ever really investigated what gets filtered out of bottled water? very, very little) it’s going to be advantageous to get ready for a socially acceptable level of droop-eyed, slack-jawed, zombie’izm, and we are going to have to offer up more reinforcement than kite-high Farrah’s on Letterman. Television and movies are still run by Betty Ford graduate’s who are programmed to target and point out a whacko Minnelli at fifty paces. And the new crop of twenty something greedsters coming up have Nancy Reagan still ringing in their ears “Just say no” . The new age has told us all to take responsibility for our every illness and that depression is our own fault, we don’t need drugs we need to get rid of our stinkin’ thinkin’. Years and years of one faction or the other decrying the use of drugs has never stopped anybody one bit from running to the doctors and getting a prescription. (who *isn’t* on some prescription these days?) We will take and take and take anything we can get our hands to make us feel better. But we sure dont’ want anybody to know about it. We try to hide that “look”. That look that says “I needed a li’l help on this stumbling block of life”. That Barbie doll look. And as more and more of us get “the look” we’ll need to have the acceptance of the masses to not call for an immediate boycott of all prescription drugs It’s imparitive for the drug companies to have total “I don’t know and I don’t care” acceptance. Because unless Pfeizer and Upjohn and the lot start treating your nature calls like plutonium and bag it and bury it in the desert, which would be one hell of a dent in the profits, somebody is going to make enough noise to put the brakes on toxic urine and it’s causes (if there is anybody left sober enough to do such a thing but that’s a whole other chapter that could be entitled “Trilateral Commision meets the Masons underground in Munich”).

“Fix the dang sewers, Buck!” Can’t. What we have now is woefully inadequate to keep a head size rat out. The only thing keeping you from typhoid is chlorine. Lots and lots of chlorine. but it doesn’t affect the drug run-off. (Flouride is a drug by the way. Flouride, intentionally added to your water. YOU voted to have it added to your water. You think you are preventing cavities but you are ingesting a drug that is classified as a depressant. A sedated populace is a happily controlled populace. The insurance companies only gave up cavity revenue in exchange for 201 cures for cancers being suppressed) Nope, we are all taking the bullet-train to Lobotomy River and going in for a dip. Barbie’ism will grab each and everyone who does not have their own water filtration specifically designed to get out these drugs. And nobody knows what gets out these drugs. So take a good look at Barbie’s face. Aquaint yourself, brace yourself for “the look” of the future. Today.

Out of the bunker just in time for the Doomsday line-up of planets in Taurus. May 3 through the 5 is the alignment of 7 out of the ten planets in the constellation Taurus. An earth sign that could mean earthquakes, volcanoes, tornadoes…the end of the earth as we know it. I don’t care. I’m not going back into that bunker. Not ever again. Potted meat and dust particles called potatoes three times a day, no tv or radio, converting urine into potable water, the lack of mastubatory privacy all sounds very romantic and exciting but when it comes down to it, it’s just so much Somerset Maughm “must be nice” fantasy.

++++++++++++++++++

Ever notice Christians righteously going around observing Holidays that fall on pagan days calculated through astronomy, lighting incense, drinking wine that represents blood, a wafer that represents flesh, and not think that they have anything in common with throw-rocks-at-moon heathen darkies living in the deepest depths of the world? I was watching Joyce Meyer making quite alot of fun of people who “palm read” and “worship” trees. Well, worshipping *at* a living tree makes far more sense than worshipping a dead tree that has been fashioned into a murder weapon for their lamb patting saviour. If as above so below then it stands to reason that the mythical heaven above will be as diverse as our sour little dirt clod planet below. Get ready for me to be in your neighborhood, Joyce, above AND below.

I’m Buck Huff and I’m going to vegas.

Art Bell has announced his retirement once again, and this time he really means it. Really! Really really really! Personally, I’m not sure whether to believe it or not. Art has been raking in the dough from his writing career, and with The Coming Global Superstorm, I think he’s finally hit upon a winning formula: lend his name and some ideas to a professional author who can reap much greater sales with Art’s name on the cover as a collaborator. If he continues to work with pros like Whitley Strieber, he can easily turn out two or three books a year with a minimal amount of work. So what is Art planning to do with his spare time? Well, I imagine he’ll take some time off to spend with his son and pursue his litigation against WWCR in Nashville, but I have reason to believe there’s another motive. Word has it that this season will be the last for The X-files, and producer Chris Carter is planning to apply the Star Trek model to the franchise: produce movies with the original cast, and create a spin-off show to keep the X-files name on TV. What does this have to do with Art? He’s slated to star in X-files: Groom Lake 9! Human-alien relations have reached a turning point, and the show’s characters will be dealing with the delicate business of building a bridge between the species. The show is slated to premiere next season on the WB network. Here’s a rundown of the cast:

Art Bell stars as Special Agent Art Mulder, Fox Mulder’s long lost uncle. The character will be introduced in the finale of the original X-files show. Tori Spelling co-stars as Special Agent Brandi Alexander, Art’s partner. Together, they patrol the Groom Lake beat in a talking UFO (voiced by James Earl Jones). Lance Henrickson plays General Vince Carter, the crusty but loveable commanding officer at Area 51. Art will also play The Smoking Clone, Agent Art Mulder’s evil twin.

I’ll be posting more info about X-files: Groom Lake 9 here as soon as they become available. Meanwhile, if you have suggestions, story ideas, or even scripts for the show, send them here and we’ll forward them to Chris Carter!

Well, the Alien Jesus Y2K fiasco has finally drawn to a conclusion. As some of you know, the Alien Jesus Collective members decided to spend New Year’s in the mountains of northern Arizona. Buck Huff and I spent a considerable amount of time and money planning the conversion of an abandoned mine into a suitable stronghold for the group. Upon completing the preliminary work, we turned the project over to Engineer Jim so that we could wrap up as much of our regular day to day work as possible before locking ourselves into the Alien Jesus Bunker. I completed an extensive lecture tour in Canada, and Buck sold a record number of knives at his Colorado edged weapon emporium, Buck’s Knife Hut. Meanwhile, Engineer Jim made the arrangements for the bunker. Generators and fuel storage tanks were installed. Redundant satellite uplinks to provide a two-way flow of news, opinion, rumors, and porn. Remote controlled cameras providing a view of events outside the bunker. A two year supply of storable food, and a bank of freezers stocked with venison provided by Buck himself. Every conceivable contingency was planned for and supplied against. Engineer Jim called me on December 18th to let me know everything was ready. The collective agreed to gather on December 28th and lock the door at 10PM.

On the appointed day, the Collective assembled at the entrance to our apocalyptic palace. Myself, Buck Huff, Claudia Patrick, Engineer Jim, and even little Sparky El-Shayrif! We took a final look around, and then entered the bunker. Everything was just as Buck and I had planned it, a state of the art doomsday shelter suitable for an extended stay. We spent the rest of the afternoon settling in and testing the equipment. Everything seemed perfect! Exactly at 10PM, we sealed the door, a laminated steel bulkhead 10 inches thick. Nothing left to do but wait and see if civilization imploded…

As you all know, January 1st came and went with little fanfare. Shortly after midnight, we lost all power in the bunker. Upon interrogation, we discovered that Engineer Jim tried to save us a few dollars by purchasing generators that were “Hecho en Mexico”. The Nogales generator dealer had told Jim that the low end generator wasn’t guaranteed to be Y2K compliant, but Jim took this as an attempt to “screw the gringo”. Apparantly the dealer’s claims that the generator would fail were true. It was all we could do to keep Buck from inflicting his first “nut cutting” of the new millenium upon Engineer Jim. We agreed that our best bet was to wait for a few days, and then open the bunker door to do some preliminary scouting of the post-millenial situation. Shortly after daybreak on January 4th, as Sparky and Buck tried to open the door, Engineer Jim made another confession…the steel bolts holding the door shut were electrically operated! To make a long story short, I hooked my Baygen flashlight up to the door’s power, and Engineer Jim’s arm is very very tired from four months of cranking! So remember kids, when you build your own bunker, don’t delegate the important stuff to a train drivin’ man!

Most people will tell you that religion is a buyer’s market today. With the media explosion we’ve seen over the last few years, today’s buyer has more places to spend his or her faith than ever before. Cable TV, low power UHF stations, AM radio, the internet…everywhere you turn, there’s someone ready to tell you what to believe. But I’m here to tell you that as we approach the beginning of a new millenium, there are huge segments of the market woefully unserved by any of the beliefs currently on the market. And if you’re one of those folks feeling left out, I’d like to extend an offer to you:

The Alien Jesus IPO

“But Ed, who ever heard of a religion offering an IPO?”

I’m glad you asked! IPO stands for Initial Public Offering. Let’s break it down and see exactly what it means. Webster’s Dictionary defines initial as “of or relating to the beginning.” Public means just that; we’re making Alien Jesus available to the public at large, regardless of who or what you are. An offering is to put something up for bid or sale, or to make a sacrifice. When you look at it this way, what we’re doing is giving everyone the opportunity to buy into a belief system and make a new beginning in their lives.

“Sounds great Ed, but what does it cost?”

I’m glad you asked! Most beliefs out there require ALL of your faith ALL the time! Who can afford that? With so many demands upon your faith today, it’s hard to spare much for anything. Alien Jesus recognizes this pitfall, and after a great deal of study and market research, we’ve developed an entirely new model for religious belief: Faith based on free market economics! Spiritual supply and demand - the free market at work! Based on the amount of Alien Jesus we have in stock, you can buy into our IPO for a mere 3% of your total available faith!

“But Ed, I’m not sure if I’m in the market for a religion today. How long do you think this offer will last?”

It all depends on the market. Past performance should not be taken as an indicator of future accuracy in any belief system, be it Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, or other. What I can tell you is this: buying into a religion early is the best way to insure your future status. When the time comes to appoint Deacons, Bishops, Witch Doctors, Saints, or whatever, who do you think will get the job? It’s not going to be the Johnny-convert-lately who just got religion last Thursday! The rabidly devout follower who’s been hanging around since the early days is best positioned to advance through the ranks. And that’s what makes the Alien Jesus IPO such an attractive offer!

“All right Ed, I’m convinced! What do I do next?”

To get in on this IPO, just follow these three easy steps:

There’s a troubling notion taking hold in some circles that the age of Darwin has passed. Man has vanquished each and every predator the Earth has thrown at him. Technology has insulated us from any natural impetus towards further evolution. We’ve painted ourselves into a corner where natural selection no longer applies. Well I beg to differ with these pessimistic pundits: The evolution of man continues on today!

Beginning on the day our ancestors crawled out of the primordial ooze, we have faced a constant struggle for survival, just like any other species. Among the mammals, some survived because of their strength, others by their speed. The Neanderthal had two things going for him: his opposable thumb, and his massive brain. These things have carried us from the Stone Age to the Atomic Age, and have allowed us to decimate all opposition to our primacy on Earth. There are scores of animals that are faster, stronger, more rugged than man, but all of them now live by our grace. Those who have gotten in our way have been culled, driven out, or even exterminated. But without those predators, what forces remain to impose natural selection upon humanity?

Consider the trends that have been with us since the dawn of civilization. Murder rates and violent crime have increased steadily. Antibiotics are losing their effectiveness. The world is changing in a big way. There are 6 billion of us on this planet now, all jockeying for position. These trends are symptomatic of the greatest predator man faces now: himself.

Unlike some, I don’t see mankind destroying himself as a species. The natural imperative for survival is strong, and man is far more adaptable than he sometimes realizes. Our lives are very short in the context of the universe, and a worst case scenario that sets us back 300 years is only a blip on the screen when you consider how many billion years it took to get to this point. People tend to look at time in terms they can understand; for them, the world will exist for about 5 generations. It began somewhere during their grandparents’ lifetimes, and will end with their grandchildren. The rest is merely an abstraction. When you look at it from this perspective, evolution becomes so intangible that it’s virtually meaningless to those who merely try to live their lives in the here and now.

So what are the possibilities for the future? What awaits us around the next bend in the road? I see several factors that will push mankind over the evolutionary precipice: Environmental pressures will be one of the keys to transforming humanity. The earth is changing at an accelerating pace. Man has been locked in a constant struggle with the elements since the dawn of time, and that struggle continues today. The only difference is one of scale. Where we once struggled to find shelter from the storm on an individual or tribal level, we now battle nature on a global scale. Dams and levies stand ready to hold back the rising tides, and the first sign of famine mobilizes international efforts to combat it. The planet is changing, and if we aren’t careful it will change into a much less hospitable place.

These harsh conditions could very well be the catalyst for biological changes in man as he adapts to a new environment. Space travel has gone from science fiction to routine fact in a mere 40 years. Over the next century, man will explore other planets, and perhaps choose to colonize them. These colonists will be one of the great evolutionary experiments of the next millennium. Life on another world will have profound effects upon their physiology, and if they can adapt to their new homes, it will be the greatest evolutionary leap since Cro-Magnon man gave way to Homo sapiens. The Computer Revolution offers some very interesting possibilities for human evolution. Great hordes of people living in the developed world spend eight or more hours a day in front of a computer terminal now, and there are sure to be mutations brought on by this.

As the field of Cybernetics advances, it may become possible for man to actually engineer his own evolution. Imagine having a computer inside your head, with all the processing power available to you any time, any place. Now imagine a child who has had that power since birth. To him, the use of computer implants would be as natural as breathing. Over the course of several generations, the magnitude of this change will become even more apparent, and people will one day look back upon this step as one of the biggest in human development, ranking up there with tools, agriculture, flight, and splitting the atom. These and other changes we can’t even begin to imagine will insure our continued development as a species.

So to those of you who say that man’s evolution has come to an end, I have a simple request: please step aside and let the rest of us get on with the business of realizing our full potential.

The recent rediscovery of Hitler’s bunker in downtown Berlin offers an historic opportunity for the German people and history buffs alike. Unfortunately, the Germans are prepared to squander this opportunity for fear of Neo-Nazis using the Fuhrerbunker as a shrine or a rallying point. Even though the Nazis were soundly defeated more than half a century ago, the forces of facism have never completely gone away in West Germany, and the facism of the right was replaced by the facism of the left in East Germany. So how can we support their vigilance against Neo-Nazis while allowing the public an opportunity to see a true landmark of 20th century history? Disney has been considering a second EuroDisney park. Why not build an exact replica of Hitler’s Bunker as one of the attractions? They could send in a crack team of architects, engineers, and historians to survey the real bunker, fill the original in with concrete, and build a perfect replica in their new park. Being a replica, it wouldn’t hold the same appeal for skinheads that the original has, and locating it in a Disney park would allow for the tightest security known to modern man. Disney’s animatronic technology would allow visitors to see and hear the key players in the underground drama acting out their final hours. Disney could even indulge their peccadillo for adding music to everything by licensing music from Mel Brooks’ 1967 film “The Producers”. Or if they feel the need to make it more contemporary, they could commission Michael Jackson to write some new tunes for the attraction. He could probably use a few bucks to cover that divorce settlement, and Europeans have always been more tolerant of men who like young boys. The vision of an animatronic Hitler belting out songs in the voice of Michael Jackson would definitely drive away any neo-Nazis who slip through security. If the Disney alternative proves to be unworkable, another option is Las Vegas. With the proliferations of casinos like New York NY and Paris, a Berlin casino would fit right in. A stage show with Marlene Dietrich impersonators, a Kraftwerk tribute band in the lounge, and a bunker replica in the basement. There’s a real opportunity waiting here for some entrepeneur to map out the bunker and recreate it in the American Southwest. The opportunity we have to bring history to life must not be lost! If you feel as we do about this, please take the time to write Disney and lasvegas.com to make your opinion known. Together, we can make a difference!

The Georgia Department of Corrections is offering a wonderful new service. Their new web page gives access to the state of Georgia’s complete database of convicts. Everyone who’s done time in Georgia during the last 30 or 40 years is included, searchable by name, institution where incarcerated, or even by offense. Many of the offenders even have a photo posted! I think its great that Georgia is making an effort to use the internet as a rehabilitation tool. The next logical step is to allow inmates to post a resume on the site when they are nearing release. Employers looking for cheap ex-con labor would be able to search the site and locate the perfect person for any position:

If you’re into the pictures, search for everyone under death sentence. Most of the death row guys rate a large picture. Someone should put together some trading cards of these guys. The site is also a cool place to learn about crimes you just don’t think about every day. Barratry, bastardy, embracery, instigating mutiny, insurrection, intermarriage with close kin, necrophilia, violation of bingo rules…the list goes on and on. Unfortunately, many criminal categories don’t have any offenders listed. A search for necrophiliacs yields no results! Someone needs to institute some sort of affirmative action program to make sure that all categories have at least one convict in them. Maybe the Justice Department could institute some sort of bussing system to move necrophiliacs from the midwestern “corpse belt” states to other states where the the lovers of the dead are kept out by fear and prejudice. If you feel as I do, please email Al Gore and tell him you want him to make necrophiliac bussing one of his campaign planks in 2000.

My only concern is that some obsessive compulsive sociopath will see the list of crimes on the site and use it as a personal checklist that must be completed at all costs. When captured, he or she will claim to have gotten the idea from the internet, unleashing a flood of news stories describing the profound threat posed to white American society by the internet. If I catch anybody causing more of this crap to flood MY television, I’ll haul you off to Georgia and get my name listed with the Department of Corrections for murder AND necrophilia.

The Cultists

The Puritan Cult Maniacs most people still refer to as “Pilgrims” were first seen by the indians eating the ceremonial food baskets left on the graves of their ancestors. This was high holy time for the Wampanoag indians and they chased the Puritans back to their leaky boat. Still filled with righteous resolve, and no boat to take them anywhere else, they took over an indian village that disease had cleared out, leaving behind many skeletons and no food. Over half of the new Caucasian Settlement died, and in a fit of desperation that never hinted at humiliation, the Puritans deigned to let the heathen redman feed what is left of their starved and diseased cult. When they grow stronger in mind, body, and overpowering numbers, they wipe out the Indians who don’t care to be the slaves of the white man. Today, we celebrate this with big parade floats and football and putting marshmallows on yams. We never give a thought that the “Pilgrims” were more haughty and homicidal about their God’s Mission for them than the Manson Family.

The Mayflower Families

And who could be more proud to be riding the coat tails of genocide than a Boston Blue Blood Clan who can trace their ancestoryback to the exact time and place? Proud and snooty over their traced linage, early in the 80’s they were shocked and appalled by one of their own, Sydney Biddle Barrows, The Mayflower Madam, being a brothel owner. I think pimping ho’s is a step up from the original legacy.

From Mayflower Families WebPage: “That Native Americans, caught up in the complexity of values heretofore alien, fueled by perceived monetary and power advantages, perhaps caused someof their own demise, can also be noted. We welcome your contributions that have basis in fact.”

Of course! They could have “just said no” to those smallpox imbued blankets, but greedy indians wanted to be extra toasty warm for the winter. And you be sure to get your facts straight before attempting your lies about how it really went down back then. The Mayflower Famlies are no fools. Except for the part about being proud to be related to a Homicidal Cult of Revelations spouting zealots who wiped out nations and made their offspring slaves.

Hey, Pilgrims! The Vikings got here first.