Lizard

October 8, 1999
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Call it Lord-of-the-Flies TV. The CBS television network announced on Thursday the launch of a new series in which 16 volunteers will be marooned together for 49 days on a deserted tropical island off Borneo. “Survivor” adds a competitive twist to the saga — every three days one member of the group will be voted off the island by the rest, with the last person left collecting a prize of $1 million.

Sign me up! I bet they wont let you take along any weapons but no man goes without a knife and if I can get one (two if you count my molar razor ring) past the NSA boys at the pre-Panama “freedom fight” rally at the finest jacuzzi in all of Costa Rica, I can get a machete and colon locker of jerky past tv executives and some mudhut retards.

But life for the show’s contestants will be a lot more than an extended vacation in paradise. Equipped with little beyond “the basic supplies of a shipwreck”, the group will be forced to fend for itself in building shelter, foraging for food, and defending against such dangers as wild pigs, pythons, and poisonous sea snakes.To create added drama a dash of social tension, the program also will feature mini-contests in which the group competes for such creature comforts as a pillow or a soft drink.

Pillow and a soft drink? That million dollars is mine. I’m not playing for any sody pop and head bag. As if you would ever lay your head down for one minute. Weaklings at the git go. They probably supply ‘em with sunscreen SPF 100 and dental floss. If they really want to play this game right let’s play for such comforts as ammo, booze and sex. You’re asking “How Buck? How can we get these things on a deserted island?”

First, you all have genitals. theres’s the sex. Secondly, “Rafflesia”. Rafflesia is the worldest largest blooming flower in the world and it just happens to grow in Borneo. This bar on a stem has been seen stretched 91cms and 3 feet in diameter, 1.9 cms or 3/4 inch thick and weighed 7 kgs or 15 lbs. That’s 15 lbs of fermenting matter that will give you twice the kick of Everclear and a closer call with god. It’s a for sure close call with the jungle floor but you’ll never remember it. Thirdly, if you have even the most modest of survivalist training you can make ammo from a pocketful of coins and bark. This is just plain common fact but people just never bother to learn.

“I hope we get a cop from New York, and maybe a small petty criminal from some other city…they won’t get along,” Burnett said, musing on possible casting combinations. “Maybe there will be a 60-year-old Catholic priest and a 20-year-old drop-dead (gorgeous) model from Los Angeles…It really will be ‘Gilligan’s Island,”‘ he said, referring to the ’60s TV comedy about mismatched castaways.

This part I particularly like. Getting down to the real yin and yang of existence. No cops without criminals, no sins without fragrant ladies. The total balance of opposites in a kill or be killed modality. But what about the more subtle forms of hatred, the contempt and seething rage barely benerth the surface of those that are seemingly on the same side? The cowboys and indians aspect is good but give us the power struggling competiveness of say a Louis Farakhan and Jesse Jackson. Bill and Hillary. Swaggart and Falwell. Abductees of greys against abductees by “beings of light”. Greenpeace agasint Peta. You match up people that are supposed to have something in common and you’ll see very quickly that familiarity breeds contempt. That’s why we’ve had wars for so long in the middle east! You see a difference between a Palestinian and a Syrian? Arab or Iraqi? Go farther over and see the difference between North Korean and South Korean. You can’t! And these people fight mean and for keeps.

I’m looking forward to this new show and I think I’m going to find out about being a technical advisor. I bet those people don’t know the 1001 things you can do with a boar’s penis. It’s fascinating.