Feature Stories

Teenage Wasteland at Halloween

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Walgreens.com – Local Weekly Ad

A teenager in line at Walgreens, with her Grandmother, points her bony, hairless arm at a particularly ghoulish ghoul hanging from the ceiling.

With much malice she biles out,
“That looks just like MOM.”

The grandmother hangs her head down and says sadly “oh, Hayley.”

Happy Birthday, USA

This is my kind of Independence Day.
Twilight Zone marathon in it’s third day, World Cup Game Germany vs Italy, CNN showing Space Shuttle prep on one side of the screen, Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest on the other.

I think after the Shuttle lifts off (or blows up or is scrubbed) the screen should be replaced with the dumbasses at the Whitehouse Hunger Strike.

cupcakes!No hot dogs or sody pops for Cindy Sheehan until the Iraqi troops come home. Susan Sarandon and Sean Pean are not so sure what fasting means so they will be taking turns for each other not eating. It’s called a “rolling fast” and could possibly be more idiotic than just plain out harming your body by standing in the sun not eating. Neither method will do a damn thing but make me and millions of others laugh disgustedly while we eat things god never invented.

The Alien Jesus Command Division is now housed in one of the nicest places we might have ever lived. We are grateful that we’ve been spared what is increasingly becoming a non-middle class nation. We are quite middle right now and in true American fashion we say, “Hey, We got Ours! Get away from my car.”

This is a day to think about what the USA has always said it stood for but never delivers without a monkey’s paw twist ending. These bastards in power now are the best blend of power, greed, and total indifference to human suffering. They are perverting and derailing everything the Founding Fathers (deceptive pricks in their own right) worked for through their own hunger strikes that they called “we have no food.” I’d prefer to think about the better possibilities to come. Just for today.

Today, I’m going to eat well while sitting on my ass enjoying all this great television. And may some fortunate God bless America so that we can leave people all over the world alone so they can do the same.

The Road is my Friend

Some thoughts on navigating the street of London on a bicycle

This summer in London, a couple of weeks before the underground explosions propelled people to above ground transportation I finally got around to fixing a bike that had kindly been donated to me. I got the brakes changed, the tires were pumped up to around 100psi, I tightened the steering column and I was more or less ready to take on the streets of London. It was and still is a rusty old ladies bike, completely operational and quite charming.

Having feared the traffic of London for good reason, I slowly started to explore the streets. Watching from the sidelines in the beginning trying to figure out how it all worked.

At this point it’s probably a good idea to explain a couple of things. I am not new to riding a bicycle; I have done that for years and with great success. Crashed a couple of times, mostly self-inflicted and alcohol related. One thing is cycling along the sea on a dedicated cycle lane in Denmark, another is navigating the London traffic network.

Here it’s a whole other game. No bike lanes and loads of traffic. Buses up to 18 meters in length, double-deckers, white unmarked cars and vans, motorcycles, police cars and whining ambulances. It’s a bloody nightmare, a mess where the queues sometimes stretch for more than a mile. Having relied on public transportation for years it was a bit of miracle finally to realise just how easy it was to get around on a bike.

As with something like this I started out slowly. First exploring an area I knew very well, getting to know the streets, memorising the traffic patterns of roundabouts. Ever so slowly I expanded my area and I became more adventurous.

There is nothing quite like discovering something new that has always been possible. It’s a that tiny rush of adrenalin – knowing that you are always moving forward unlike your comrades stuck in their metal cars moving inches at the time.

With growing confidence I took on the streets, easily cycling from Brixton, hitting Clapham North in minutes, making a sharp left turn and cycling past Stockwell Station, where the Police only weeks later would kill the Brazilian electrician. Then onwards towards Oval and full speed ahead, overtaking busses and cars on the inside, then more of them lined up in a jam on the outside. Jumping up on the curb when there was no other way around something, and heading towards Waterloo station, swirling in and out of slow moving cars moving up in the queue before a red light, trying to balance the bike without stopping – then, amber – green. Full speed ahead and across Waterloo Bridge with the best view of London. On my left the London Eye and on my right the National Theatre which is beautifully illuminated at night – and I can see all the way down the Thames. Bloody fantastic.

Then into central London where speed drops dramatically and traffic worsens. Here it’s very easy to get lost especially down the one-way streets in Soho, and sometimes finding yourself going up the wrong way with traffic coming towards is not funny.

After the explosions the news was talking about a massive increase in cyclists – which has been very empowering. Often I find myself in small groups driving more or less the same route, all very civilised. No one talks to one another, but still there is a sense of a group dynamic, even if it’s only for a very brief moment. At night it’s even more surreal, with an ocean of blinking bike lights safely guiding you home after a long day’s work.

It is, however, not all sweet. One day I was trying to catch a train and biking rather fast down a small country where all the cars were patiently waiting for the traffic light to change. I took the chance and jumped the red light, something which I’ve done many, many times in London – where it’s not only essential but sometimes necessary. In the countryside they don’t like that kind of behaviour and seconds after doing it I was asked to pull over by a huge Volvo police car. Shit. They gave me all the crap you could possible imagine, but I kept thinking – I am the one on a bike, I am the fragile individual making my way through the traffic, one wrong move by a car and I could be thrown off my bike, unprotected. Anyway to make a long and rather sad story short they just threatened me, I was never given a ticket.

From then onwards I was a bit more careful – still am, no need to unnecessarily have an encounter with the police. Speaking of safety here are a couple of useful suggestions:

- Have really good brakes. Tune them weekly.
- Wear a helmet.
- Lights at night are good.
- Always drive to the front of queued cars waiting at a traffic stop.
- Never hesitate. Hesitation will kill you.
- Never follow another cyclist.
- Be really good at accelerating.
- Dress appropriate. Lycra is not the only way.

Today I unfortunately learned about one of the bigger downsides of biking in London. Bikes get stolen. I came back from a lecture to find my lock snapped off and my bike gone. At the same time a fine chap was doing a survey on stolen bikes right there. He’d been monitoring the area to see how many bikes were stolen. He’d seen my bike earlier and we talked about it and what could be done. Not much was the short answer, these bicycle thieves are very sophisticated and can unlock almost any lock in seconds. Predictably they all sell them at the same place a Sunday market in Bricklane. This weekend I hope to go up there to perhaps buy back my bike, or maybe team up with a bunch of friends who are good with baseball bats. Either way, I have a backup bike and I am back unto the streets of London tomorrow morning, come rain come shine.

Everyone loves art

Some fine paintings shown recently in Pittsburgh by artist Dave Cubie. Seems there was also sculpture by Gary Greiwe, but the international press conspiracy kept his works offline. Has he sculpted an affront to God? Or maybe Presidnet Bush? He does have a dinosaur here though. I drank a lot of Milwaukee’s Best with both of these guys, so show them some goddamn respect!

Left America

Air America Radio

Streaming link on the front page. Comedy and politics from the left. Al Franken said yesterday his first goal is to get sued by the right wing, they need the publicity.

monitoring.

The New Us against Them

Long Time Ally, Ackme, had this to say in a recent email to me. He hits the verbal nail on the head and I’d like to share it.

Ackme:

All the crap about right wing/left wing is officially declared bullshit. There’s a real “us against them” feeling going around, and “they” are mostly rich, in favor of huge corporate profits and tax cuts, which means “they” are against wages and lower taxes for wage earners. “They” lied to get the war. “They” cynically exploited 9/11. “They” are against Gay marriage, stem cell research, abortion, sex, drugs, and fun in general.
Except for themselves, of course.
“They” never work, never go hungry, never fight in wars, never have a worry in life. And all of a sudden, people are realizing that “they” don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves and “they” constitute about 1% of the population. Oh, and “they” own the top positions in almost every company, and in both political parties. There was a movie about it! “They Live.”

Worse than being blackballed

A man was shot and killed on Tuesday during a Masonic initiation. Beware of secret handshakes involving a .38!

Why Does Tom Vote?

From our Command Ally, Tom. An Alien Jesus reminder to vote. We endorse no one, we endorse getting involved. Don’t Let the Fourth Reich rise.
_______________________________________
Why does Tom vote, damn good question. I vote because I want the government to know what I want. I don’t vote necessarily with the intention of my candidate even winning, because she doesn’t have to win to get my point across or the peoples point across. Think about what would happen if 2% of the popular vote went to the socialist wouldn’t you think that would make the politicians think, what the hell is up? Every vote counts, because if you ask yourself well my vote doesn’t count, can you tell me who’s does? Lol, if you know this person can you send me an email because I want to talk to him about some things. Someone once said to me that not voting is a vote in and of itself and at the time I thought this was a smart thing. Well if 30 million Americans don’t vote it does sends a message, shit is screwed up. What it doesn’t say is how they are screwed up and how we would like it changed. Anyway one opinion matters just like one vote matters. Someone had to be the first to stand up and say wait slavery is fucked up, why aren’t women voting again, who says I can’t have freedom of speech?.
-Tom

“First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me–
and there was no one left to speak out for me”
-Martin Niemoeller, Protestant Leader/Concentration Camp Survivor – Germany July 1 1937

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