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Posts by Ed Oateswulf
There are a number of reports indicating Saddam Hussein may have extraterrestrial allies. These reports seem to originate with a UFO sighting over Baghdad in December 1998, when a triangular pattern of lights flew over the city. The lights were described as similar to the Phoenix Lights seen in 1997. A number of UFO experts (and one or two Art Bell callers) assert that this 1998 sighting was the Iraqi equivalent of the Roswell crash, and that Iraqi scientists are busy reverse engineering the alien technology.
It isn’t easy getting old, and it must be even harder when you know you’ll never scale the heights of fame and glory you conquered in your younger days. The good old days, before there were 200 channels of cable TV, when the Tonight Show was the only game in town and Johnny ruled late night television. And in those prehistoric days of the 70′s and 80′s, Kreskin was a regular guest, perhaps the best known mentalist in America. But after Johnny left, Kreskin was an act without a TV home, and realization set in that he’d never hit that high water mark again. Today, the man who once headlined at some of the premier casinos in Vegas is headlining at the Silverton Casino, an off-off strip joint popular with those too cheap to splurge for an RV hookup at Sam’s Town. Not an easy room to fill: “Should the wife and I spend $29.95 each to see Kreskin, or invest in one of the Silverton’s nickel slots?” What a mentalist needs is a gimmick, some way to convince people to make the drive from their plush hotels on the strip out to a casino on the road to Parumph. I know…predict that hundreds will see a UFO, and offer to donate $50,000 to charity if the UFOs don’t show!
In the days leading up to the promised UFO sighting, Kreskin was all over the local Las Vegas news. Outside of the Vegas area, his biggest national press came from a series of appearances on Art Bell’s show. After getting the fish hooked, he began reeling them in a couple of days beforehand, insisting that spectators for the UFO event attend his show beforehand so they could be “prepared” for the event. Ka-ching!
During the show, Kreskin called a portion of the audience down to the front of the auditorium and planted a post-hypnotic suggestion regarding the UFO sighting. He then led the entire crowd out of the showroom and out to a vacant lot behind the Silverton’s RV park. Next to the banks of a drainage ditch, directly beneath the flight path for McCarran Airport, a large spotlight shone up into the desert sky. Many onlookers who didn’t attend the show parked along the streets around the field, waiting for the promised sighting. This is the scene Buck Huff came upon after a hell for leather drive up from Phoenix. We drove past the cop directing traffic, took a parking space next to the field, and waited. As it turned out, we didn’t have long to wait…although the window was predicted from 9:50 to Midnight, Kreskin declared the event over around 10:20 and headed back to his suite at the Silverton, presumably to count his money. Sensing the show was over, Buck and I headed back to the strip for some much needed R&R.
After the “event”, Kreskin declared that his intention had been to show what power the enemies of America could wield if they possessed a mentalist of Kreskin’s abilities. God help us if Flip Orley falls into Al-Qaeda’s hands! Kreskin also announced that he would not donate the $50,000 to charity, as some 41 spectators claimed to have seen a green light moving around in the sky. Suprisingly, he had the cojones to make an appearance on Art Bell’s show the following night, and declare the event a success. Art gave him a thourough dressing down, and ended it with the supreme sanction, banning Kreskin from the show for life. Kudos to Art Bell for articulating the thoughts of all but 41 of the spectators who stood in the vacant lot next to the Silverton Thursday night. And here’s a tip for you: the next time Kreskin predicts something like this in Vegas, a few cases of cold beer sold from the trunk of your car should cover the expense of the trip, and perhaps leave a few extra dollars for the slot machines.
Get right back where you started from Art!
What better way to celebrate the true millennium than with the triumphant return of Art Bell to the airwaves! Nothing against Mike Siegel, but how do you fill the shoes of a giant? Art brings a unique style and personality to the late night airwaves, and given the topics discussed on his show, his impartiality and willingness to let listeners decide for themselves provide a forum where guests feel comfortable discussing topics that would draw ridicule and derision almost anywhere else. This entices experts from both ends of the spectrum to step forward and wax eloquent upon their topic of choice. When the speaker is believable, the results are informative and fascinating; when they are obvious hoaxters or crackpots, hijinks ensue! Every imaginable topic from Mel’s hole to Art’s parts has been investigated thoroughly in the wee hours of the night. But Art’s show has never depended exclusively on guests; callers are also an integral part of the mix. From the ever present wildcard line to the specialty antichrist, vampire, ghost story, and cannibal lines, the phone calls of ordinary listeners provide laughter, tears, and a heaping dose of the drama that is the human condition. Art Bell isn’t the only host who can provide interesting guests and callers, but he does bring his mellifluous tones and dry wit to the proceedings on a nightly basis. Many listeners find Art’s voice a soothing sleep aid, providing information and entertainment as he lulls them to sleep. For every listener who loses sleep to catch Art Bell on the radio, there’s another who has been struck with insomnia since his retirement. Make no mistake: the sleep patterns of a nation hinge upon Art’s nightly broadcast! Please join me in welcoming Art Bell back into our lives and our ears, and may he never be taken from us again!
Well, the Alien Jesus Y2K fiasco has finally drawn to a conclusion. As some of you know, the Alien Jesus Collective members decided to spend New Year’s in the mountains of northern Arizona. Buck Huff and I spent a considerable amount of time and money planning the conversion of an abandoned mine into a suitable stronghold for the group. Upon completing the preliminary work, we turned the project over to Engineer Jim so that we could wrap up as much of our regular day to day work as possible before locking ourselves into the Alien Jesus Bunker. I completed an extensive lecture tour in Canada, and Buck sold a record number of knives at his Colorado edged weapon emporium, Buck’s Knife Hut. Meanwhile, Engineer Jim made the arrangements for the bunker. Generators and fuel storage tanks were installed. Redundant satellite uplinks to provide a two-way flow of news, opinion, rumors, and porn. Remote controlled cameras providing a view of events outside the bunker. A two year supply of storable food, and a bank of freezers stocked with venison provided by Buck himself. Every conceivable contingency was planned for and supplied against. Engineer Jim called me on December 18th to let me know everything was ready. The collective agreed to gather on December 28th and lock the door at 10PM.
On the appointed day, the Collective assembled at the entrance to our apocalyptic palace. Myself, Buck Huff, Claudia Patrick, Engineer Jim, and even little Sparky El-Shayrif! We took a final look around, and then entered the bunker. Everything was just as Buck and I had planned it, a state of the art doomsday shelter suitable for an extended stay. We spent the rest of the afternoon settling in and testing the equipment. Everything seemed perfect! Exactly at 10PM, we sealed the door, a laminated steel bulkhead 10 inches thick. Nothing left to do but wait and see if civilization imploded…
As you all know, January 1st came and went with little fanfare. Shortly after midnight, we lost all power in the bunker. Upon interrogation, we discovered that Engineer Jim tried to save us a few dollars by purchasing generators that were “Hecho en Mexico”. The Nogales generator dealer had told Jim that the low end generator wasn’t guaranteed to be Y2K compliant, but Jim took this as an attempt to “screw the gringo”. Apparantly the dealer’s claims that the generator would fail were true. It was all we could do to keep Buck from inflicting his first “nut cutting” of the new millenium upon Engineer Jim. We agreed that our best bet was to wait for a few days, and then open the bunker door to do some preliminary scouting of the post-millenial situation. Shortly after daybreak on January 4th, as Sparky and Buck tried to open the door, Engineer Jim made another confession…the steel bolts holding the door shut were electrically operated! To make a long story short, I hooked my Baygen flashlight up to the door’s power, and Engineer Jim’s arm is very very tired from four months of cranking! So remember kids, when you build your own bunker, don’t delegate the important stuff to a train drivin’ man!
Most people will tell you that religion is a buyer’s market today. With the media explosion we’ve seen over the last few years, today’s buyer has more places to spend his or her faith than ever before. Cable TV, low power UHF stations, AM radio, the internet…everywhere you turn, there’s someone ready to tell you what to believe. But I’m here to tell you that as we approach the beginning of a new millenium, there are huge segments of the market woefully unserved by any of the beliefs currently on the market. And if you’re one of those folks feeling left out, I’d like to extend an offer to you:
The Alien Jesus IPO
“But Ed, who ever heard of a religion offering an IPO?”
I’m glad you asked! IPO stands for Initial Public Offering. Let’s break it down and see exactly what it means. Webster’s Dictionary defines initial as “of or relating to the beginning.” Public means just that; we’re making Alien Jesus available to the public at large, regardless of who or what you are. An offering is to put something up for bid or sale, or to make a sacrifice. When you look at it this way, what we’re doing is giving everyone the opportunity to buy into a belief system and make a new beginning in their lives.
“Sounds great Ed, but what does it cost?”
I’m glad you asked! Most beliefs out there require ALL of your faith ALL the time! Who can afford that? With so many demands upon your faith today, it’s hard to spare much for anything. Alien Jesus recognizes this pitfall, and after a great deal of study and market research, we’ve developed an entirely new model for religious belief: Faith based on free market economics! Spiritual supply and demand – the free market at work! Based on the amount of Alien Jesus we have in stock, you can buy into our IPO for a mere 3% of your total available faith!
“But Ed, I’m not sure if I’m in the market for a religion today. How long do you think this offer will last?”
It all depends on the market. Past performance should not be taken as an indicator of future accuracy in any belief system, be it Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, or other. What I can tell you is this: buying into a religion early is the best way to insure your future status. When the time comes to appoint Deacons, Bishops, Witch Doctors, Saints, or whatever, who do you think will get the job? It’s not going to be the Johnny-convert-lately who just got religion last Thursday! The rabidly devout follower who’s been hanging around since the early days is best positioned to advance through the ranks. And that’s what makes the Alien Jesus IPO such an attractive offer!
“All right Ed, I’m convinced! What do I do next?”
To get in on this IPO, just follow these three easy steps:
The inevitable march of evolution
Lancelot Link at home in Malibu
Plato in a reflective mood
Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst spies a quarter on the sidewalk and considers saving it for when his 15 minutes of fame are over
There’s a troubling notion taking hold in some circles that the age of Darwin has passed. Man has vanquished each and every predator the Earth has thrown at him. Technology has insulated us from any natural impetus towards further evolution. We’ve painted ourselves into a corner where natural selection no longer applies. Well I beg to differ with these pessimistic pundits: The evolution of man continues on today!
Beginning on the day our ancestors crawled out of the primordial ooze, we have faced a constant struggle for survival, just like any other species. Among the mammals, some survived because of their strength, others by their speed. The Neanderthal had two things going for him: his opposable thumb, and his massive brain. These things have carried us from the Stone Age to the Atomic Age, and have allowed us to decimate all opposition to our primacy on Earth. There are scores of animals that are faster, stronger, more rugged than man, but all of them now live by our grace. Those who have gotten in our way have been culled, driven out, or even exterminated. But without those predators, what forces remain to impose natural selection upon humanity?
Consider the trends that have been with us since the dawn of civilization. Murder rates and violent crime have increased steadily. Antibiotics are losing their effectiveness. The world is changing in a big way. There are 6 billion of us on this planet now, all jockeying for position. These trends are symptomatic of the greatest predator man faces now: himself.
Unlike some, I don’t see mankind destroying himself as a species. The natural imperative for survival is strong, and man is far more adaptable than he sometimes realizes. Our lives are very short in the context of the universe, and a worst case scenario that sets us back 300 years is only a blip on the screen when you consider how many billion years it took to get to this point. People tend to look at time in terms they can understand; for them, the world will exist for about 5 generations. It began somewhere during their grandparents’ lifetimes, and will end with their grandchildren. The rest is merely an abstraction. When you look at it from this perspective, evolution becomes so intangible that it’s virtually meaningless to those who merely try to live their lives in the here and now.
So what are the possibilities for the future? What awaits us around the next bend in the road? I see several factors that will push mankind over the evolutionary precipice: Environmental pressures will be one of the keys to transforming humanity. The earth is changing at an accelerating pace. Man has been locked in a constant struggle with the elements since the dawn of time, and that struggle continues today. The only difference is one of scale. Where we once struggled to find shelter from the storm on an individual or tribal level, we now battle nature on a global scale. Dams and levies stand ready to hold back the rising tides, and the first sign of famine mobilizes international efforts to combat it. The planet is changing, and if we aren’t careful it will change into a much less hospitable place.
These harsh conditions could very well be the catalyst for biological changes in man as he adapts to a new environment. Space travel has gone from science fiction to routine fact in a mere 40 years. Over the next century, man will explore other planets, and perhaps choose to colonize them. These colonists will be one of the great evolutionary experiments of the next millennium. Life on another world will have profound effects upon their physiology, and if they can adapt to their new homes, it will be the greatest evolutionary leap since Cro-Magnon man gave way to Homo sapiens. The Computer Revolution offers some very interesting possibilities for human evolution. Great hordes of people living in the developed world spend eight or more hours a day in front of a computer terminal now, and there are sure to be mutations brought on by this.
As the field of Cybernetics advances, it may become possible for man to actually engineer his own evolution. Imagine having a computer inside your head, with all the processing power available to you any time, any place. Now imagine a child who has had that power since birth. To him, the use of computer implants would be as natural as breathing. Over the course of several generations, the magnitude of this change will become even more apparent, and people will one day look back upon this step as one of the biggest in human development, ranking up there with tools, agriculture, flight, and splitting the atom. These and other changes we can’t even begin to imagine will insure our continued development as a species.
So to those of you who say that man’s evolution has come to an end, I have a simple request: please step aside and let the rest of us get on with the business of realizing our full potential.
The recent rediscovery of Hitler’s bunker in downtown Berlin offers an historic opportunity for the German people and history buffs alike. Unfortunately, the Germans are prepared to squander this opportunity for fear of Neo-Nazis using the Fuhrerbunker as a shrine or a rallying point. Even though the Nazis were soundly defeated more than half a century ago, the forces of facism have never completely gone away in West Germany, and the facism of the right was replaced by the facism of the left in East Germany. So how can we support their vigilance against Neo-Nazis while allowing the public an opportunity to see a true landmark of 20th century history? Disney has been considering a second EuroDisney park. Why not build an exact replica of Hitler’s Bunker as one of the attractions? They could send in a crack team of architects, engineers, and historians to survey the real bunker, fill the original in with concrete, and build a perfect replica in their new park. Being a replica, it wouldn’t hold the same appeal for skinheads that the original has, and locating it in a Disney park would allow for the tightest security known to modern man. Disney’s animatronic technology would allow visitors to see and hear the key players in the underground drama acting out their final hours. Disney could even indulge their peccadillo for adding music to everything by licensing music from Mel Brooks’ 1967 film “The Producers”. Or if they feel the need to make it more contemporary, they could commission Michael Jackson to write some new tunes for the attraction. He could probably use a few bucks to cover that divorce settlement, and Europeans have always been more tolerant of men who like young boys. The vision of an animatronic Hitler belting out songs in the voice of Michael Jackson would definitely drive away any neo-Nazis who slip through security. If the Disney alternative proves to be unworkable, another option is Las Vegas. With the proliferations of casinos like New York NY and Paris, a Berlin casino would fit right in. A stage show with Marlene Dietrich impersonators, a Kraftwerk tribute band in the lounge, and a bunker replica in the basement. There’s a real opportunity waiting here for some entrepeneur to map out the bunker and recreate it in the American Southwest. The opportunity we have to bring history to life must not be lost! If you feel as we do about this, please take the time to write Disney and lasvegas.com to make your opinion known. Together, we can make a difference!