Alien Jesus Collective

The Problem

It’s becoming clear that current American military manpower is insufficient to support our current agenda of empire building. Although our forces have been sufficient to make Afghanistan safe for opium farmers and Iraq relatively safe for Halliburton and Dyncorp, the effort has required substantial mobilizations of National Guard and Reserve troops. These mobilizations have raised some very serious questions for soldiers considering reenlistment. Senator John McCain has even expressed his concern about reservists deciding the burden is too great, and leaving the military to become full time civilians. Some have suggested the reinstatement of the draft as a solution to the Pentagon’s staffing woes. At first glance, the idea of reinstating the draft seems an untenable position to take in an election year. Granted, if anyone can sugar coat the draft and sell it to the American public like Skittles, it’s Karl Rove. But I have an alternative that would allow us to beef up our military inexpensively, while solving another problem that’s been simmering for years: illegal immigration.

The Plan

Step one: Seal the borders, and do it like you mean it. It won’t matter if you’re from Mexico, Central or South America, or the Middle East. You will NOT be crossing the border illegally. So long as we make it possible to cross from Mexico into California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas, we’re making it possible for the ENEMY to bring WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION into the UNITED STATES. Unfortunately, the Federal Government has been sending mixed messages about illegal immigration for years. Although there is some random enforcement, for the most part we’ve given tacit approval to Mexicans crossing into the USA to work the jobs that “no white would want.” This has served everyone’s interests. American businessmen get a cheap source of labor, Mexicans get a wage that will support their families back home, and Mexico gets a huge infusion of dollars into its economy. Stopping illegal border crossing will have some negative impact on the Mexican economy as the flow of dollars across the border slows to a trickle. American consumers will also feel an impact as fruit and vegetable prices rise, but our strengthening economy should more than offset this. The big problem will be the rise in Mexican poverty, both on an individual and national scale. This leads me to

Step two: Create a new program allowing Mexican nationals to enlist in the US Military. Pay them the same amount we pay our American soldiers, and allow them to retire after 20 years of active duty with American citizenship instead of a pension. They could even get their citizenship sooner if they achieve an NCO rank. Their wives and children could be given “Military Family Resident Alien” status, and allowed to work the farm fields. Use these troops for the dangerous garrison duties in countries like Iraq, allowing us to deploy our native born American troops to the next theater once the war is “over.”

The “Vision” Thing

As the supply of Mexican applicants would likely surpass the immediate demand, our generals could pick the cream of the crop for military service. And if the whole idea makes you a bit queasy, rembember the proud military tradition of using brown people to kill other brown people. We could take the best of the British model, and incorporate our own Yankee know-how to achieve total global domination. It’s time we realized as a nation that “empire” isn’t a dirty word. If we don’t neutralize EVERY hostile nation on the map, we’ll just be giving anti-American elements a free pass to congregate in those Jesus-hating countries and plot the next 9/11. Do you want that on your conscience? I certainly don’t! If we don’t rule the world, the terrorists win. It’s just that simple, and anyone who says otherwise probably cheered when the towers fell! The best defense for our sons and daughters, our mothers and fathers, all our fellow travellers on the Great American Road, is an Army of Juan.