Monthly Archives: April 2000

Art Bell Transforms From Man To Myth

Art Bell...Yes!

Art Bell…Yes!

Mike Siegel...No!

Mike Siegel…No!

Art Bell has announced his retirement once again, and this time he really means it. Really! Really really really! Personally, I’m not sure whether to believe it or not. Art has been raking in the dough from his writing career, and with The Coming Global Superstorm, I think he’s finally hit upon a winning formula: lend his name and some ideas to a professional author who can reap much greater sales with Art’s name on the cover as a collaborator. If he continues to work with pros like Whitley Strieber, he can easily turn out two or three books a year with a minimal amount of work. So what is Art planning to do with his spare time? Well, I imagine he’ll take some time off to spend with his son and pursue his litigation against WWCR in Nashville, but I have reason to believe there’s another motive. Word has it that this season will be the last for The X-files, and producer Chris Carter is planning to apply the Star Trek model to the franchise: produce movies with the original cast, and create a spin-off show to keep the X-files name on TV. What does this have to do with Art? He’s slated to star in X-files: Groom Lake 9! Human-alien relations have reached a turning point, and the show’s characters will be dealing with the delicate business of building a bridge between the species. The show is slated to premiere next season on the WB network. Here’s a rundown of the cast:

Art Bell stars as Special Agent Art Mulder, Fox Mulder’s long lost uncle. The character will be introduced in the finale of the original X-files show. Tori Spelling co-stars as Special Agent Brandi Alexander, Art’s partner. Together, they patrol the Groom Lake beat in a talking UFO (voiced by James Earl Jones). Lance Henrickson plays General Vince Carter, the crusty but loveable commanding officer at Area 51. Art will also play The Smoking Clone, Agent Art Mulder’s evil twin.

I’ll be posting more info about X-files: Groom Lake 9 here as soon as they become available. Meanwhile, if you have suggestions, story ideas, or even scripts for the show, send them here and we’ll forward them to Chris Carter!

How I Spent My Millenial Apocalypse

Vault doorWell, the Alien Jesus Y2K fiasco has finally drawn to a conclusion. As some of you know, the Alien Jesus Collective members decided to spend New Year’s in the mountains of northern Arizona. Buck Huff and I spent a considerable amount of time and money planning the conversion of an abandoned mine into a suitable stronghold for the group. Upon completing the preliminary work, we turned the project over to Engineer Jim so that we could wrap up as much of our regular day to day work as possible before locking ourselves into the Alien Jesus Bunker. I completed an extensive lecture tour in Canada, and Buck sold a record number of knives at his Colorado edged weapon emporium, Buck’s Knife Hut. Meanwhile, Engineer Jim made the arrangements for the bunker. Generators and fuel storage tanks were installed. Redundant satellite uplinks to provide a two-way flow of news, opinion, rumors, and porn. Remote controlled cameras providing a view of events outside the bunker. A two year supply of storable food, and a bank of freezers stocked with venison provided by Buck himself. Every conceivable contingency was planned for and supplied against. Engineer Jim called me on December 18th to let me know everything was ready. The collective agreed to gather on December 28th and lock the door at 10PM.

On the appointed day, the Collective assembled at the entrance to our apocalyptic palace. Myself, Buck Huff, Claudia Patrick, Engineer Jim, and even little Sparky El-Shayrif! We took a final look around, and then entered the bunker. Everything was just as Buck and I had planned it, a state of the art doomsday shelter suitable for an extended stay. We spent the rest of the afternoon settling in and testing the equipment. Everything seemed perfect! Exactly at 10PM, we sealed the door, a laminated steel bulkhead 10 inches thick. Nothing left to do but wait and see if civilization imploded…

As you all know, January 1st came and went with little fanfare. Shortly after midnight, we lost all power in the bunker. Upon interrogation, we discovered that Engineer Jim tried to save us a few dollars by purchasing generators that were “Hecho en Mexico”. The Nogales generator dealer had told Jim that the low end generator wasn’t guaranteed to be Y2K compliant, but Jim took this as an attempt to “screw the gringo”. Apparantly the dealer’s claims that the generator would fail were true. It was all we could do to keep Buck from inflicting his first “nut cutting” of the new millenium upon Engineer Jim. We agreed that our best bet was to wait for a few days, and then open the bunker door to do some preliminary scouting of the post-millenial situation. Shortly after daybreak on January 4th, as Sparky and Buck tried to open the door, Engineer Jim made another confession…the steel bolts holding the door shut were electrically operated! To make a long story short, I hooked my Baygen flashlight up to the door’s power, and Engineer Jim’s arm is very very tired from four months of cranking! So remember kids, when you build your own bunker, don’t delegate the important stuff to a train drivin’ man!