Most people will tell you that religion is a buyer’s market today. With the media explosion we’ve seen over the last few years, today’s buyer has more places to spend his or her faith than ever before. Cable TV, low power UHF stations, AM radio, the internet…everywhere you turn, there’s someone ready to tell you what to believe. But I’m here to tell you that as we approach the beginning of a new millenium, there are huge segments of the market woefully unserved by any of the beliefs currently on the market. And if you’re one of those folks feeling left out, I’d like to extend an offer to you:
The Alien Jesus IPO
“But Ed, who ever heard of a religion offering an IPO?”
I’m glad you asked! IPO stands for Initial Public Offering. Let’s break it down and see exactly what it means. Webster’s Dictionary defines initial as “of or relating to the beginning.” Public means just that; we’re making Alien Jesus available to the public at large, regardless of who or what you are. An offering is to put something up for bid or sale, or to make a sacrifice. When you look at it this way, what we’re doing is giving everyone the opportunity to buy into a belief system and make a new beginning in their lives.
“Sounds great Ed, but what does it cost?”
I’m glad you asked! Most beliefs out there require ALL of your faith ALL the time! Who can afford that? With so many demands upon your faith today, it’s hard to spare much for anything. Alien Jesus recognizes this pitfall, and after a great deal of study and market research, we’ve developed an entirely new model for religious belief: Faith based on free market economics! Spiritual supply and demand – the free market at work! Based on the amount of Alien Jesus we have in stock, you can buy into our IPO for a mere 3% of your total available faith!
“But Ed, I’m not sure if I’m in the market for a religion today. How long do you think this offer will last?”
It all depends on the market. Past performance should not be taken as an indicator of future accuracy in any belief system, be it Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, or other. What I can tell you is this: buying into a religion early is the best way to insure your future status. When the time comes to appoint Deacons, Bishops, Witch Doctors, Saints, or whatever, who do you think will get the job? It’s not going to be the Johnny-convert-lately who just got religion last Thursday! The rabidly devout follower who’s been hanging around since the early days is best positioned to advance through the ranks. And that’s what makes the Alien Jesus IPO such an attractive offer!
“All right Ed, I’m convinced! What do I do next?”
To get in on this IPO, just follow these three easy steps: